Advice Column: DEAR RUFUS

DADDY DEAREST IN DOVER

Dear Rufus,

My son, after going to college, has come back a different kid. Johnny, a boy who used to hunt every Saturday, go to church every Sunday, and give himself vinegar enemas on intermittent Thursdays has lost his will to succeed. After being at college for only two days, it seems that young Johnny stopped hunting, has ceased going to church, and, in lieu of these wholesome activities, sits in his room all day doing bong hits from his used enema bag. While I agree that an enema bag makes a killer bong if you don't mind the whole "shitty water" thing, I am afraid that Johnny's grades will slip and that his engagement in un-American activities may increase. Johnny has begun saying horrible things concerning staples of our great shared American heritage. He has begun to refer to arabs as "people" and just last night, during family TV time, said that he wanted to "bend Paula Abdul over Simon Cowell's corpse and fill her ass with talent". Please Rufus, help me rebreak my dear boy into a state of quite submission.

Sincerely,

Daddy Dearest in Dover

Daddy in Dover,

This is a very common problem. Indeed, the social atmosphere at many of America’s universities is not well-suited to your average clean-living Christian. A College Education tends to promote adultery, sodomy, leprosy, sloth and a general disregard for the Bible’s staunch ‘no fat chicks’ policy. During the drunken stupor that was my sophomore year, I transgressed this last commandment so frequently that I developed a stigmata that spread to my balls. My priest diagnosed that it wasn’t divinely transmitted, but he said he didn’t mind conducting the examination for my anyway.

In digression, I would suggest that you really have nothing to worry about other than diphtheria. An enema bag may seem like a good idea for a bong but feces can be extremely hazardous when smoked rather than simply eaten. I would recommend that your son try puffing through the aluminum packaging of a discarded SPAM can or a science lab beaker. He can always cram one of these up his ass when he’s done smoking, if he should feel the need.

Overall, your best bet is not to smother the boy. Children tend to react negatively to parental smothering, first by twitching and discoloring, and eventually, by suffocating to death. Instead, give the boy his space and let him make his own discoveries while he’s away at college. When he’s at home, leave guns and rosaries lying around to remind him of his roots.

I suspect that he will eventually come around. And if not, he will burn in hell for all eternity. Hope this helps.

Very Truly Yours,

Rufus.

Blog Sponsored by Paper911.com