Terrorism strikes America! Iraq remains . . . stable

I can’t believe it. Ignignot is one of them raghead hadjis. George Bush was right. Now theys got al queda on the moon.

That’s right. It was a Moononite that shut down the entire city of Boston and flipped the bird to America’s inept counter-terrorist forces. The Department of Homeland Security is the Ronald McDonald House of government agencies, possessing not a single agent in the entire continental U.S. that noted one of these suspicious lite-brite sets which were on display for roughly three weeks in ten major metropolitan locations prior to yesterday’s drama.

More than 50 in Philadelphia, New York and pretty much the rest of our major cities, these LED screens were taken for IEDs and defused as Americans everywhere . . . .sat in traffic. Truly, the terrorists have disrupted our way of life.

Armies of law enforcement retards and media retards descended on what cable news portrayed as an unfolding conspiracy in Boston proper, with 4 . . . no 5 . . . no 6 mysterious objects. And it was just as the Defcom 3 squad was exploding these objects (just to be safe), that the news began reporting a ‘spongebob squarepants’ type image on the prospective dirty bombs. Spongebob and the Jihad. I know I’m not the only person that saw that coming.

It is comforting to know that in the 5+ years since the attacks of September 11th demonstrated our complete defenselessness, our front lines remain this startlingly out-of-touch. A Moononite doesn’t look anything like Spongebob. To paraphrase the man himself, we should be concerned that this kind of reactionary silliness will only embolden the terrorists. I can’t believe we can’t stem the tide of violence in Iraq. We’ve become so perceptive and insightful in our ongoing struggle against terrorism. We wouldn’t know real terrorism if it jumped up and flew a jumbo jet into our ass.

I don’t like to point fingers but mostly, yesterday was the media’s fault. This became a great moment for fear-mongering, with live coverage of the event superceding the flow of information. The blogosphere had officially pronounced this event a false alarm by 3:15 PM on Wednesday, identifying the bird-flipping Islamic revolutionary as the admittedly belligerent Ignignot of Aqua Teen Hunger Force semi-fame. However, the media continued to scratch its head over this until well into the evening, when the advertising campaign was pronounced a ‘hoax.’ Just in time for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie, which I intend to see, this ‘hoax’ makes Ignignot almost as famous as Cat Stevens and that Mullah from Afghanistan that looked like the Batman’s second string arch-nemesis, the Penguin. ( Movie premieres on 3/23/07)

Anyway, during a press conference this afternoon, the two terror suspects appeared before reporters following their arraignment, and clearly a wake-and-bake. Co-conspirators of an independent marketing campaign, they took a clue as to the declining seriousness of their situation when their bail dropped from $100K to $2500 apiece, likely upon the city’s recognition of its own douche-baggery. Before entering into a shared discussion on 1970’s hairstyles such as the afro and the Mohawk, much to the chagrin of inquisitive microphone-monkeys, one of the defendants told reporters “we value your thoughts and your opinions.”

I’m sure they’ll bring in a bunch of panel experts to speculate upon that one.


Blog Sponsored by Paper911.com