Now Who's The Dean!

Terrorism strikes America! Iraq remains . . . stable

2007-02-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe it. Ignignot is one of them raghead hadjis. George Bush was right. Now theys got al queda on the moon.

That’s right. It was a Moononite that shut down the entire city of Boston and flipped the bird to America’s inept counter-terrorist forces. The Department of Homeland Security is the Ronald McDonald House of government agencies, possessing not a single agent in the entire continental U.S. that noted one of these suspicious lite-brite sets which were on display for roughly three weeks in ten major metropolitan locations prior to yesterday’s drama.

More than 50 in Philadelphia, New York and pretty much the rest of our major cities, these LED screens were taken for IEDs and defused as Americans everywhere . . . .sat in traffic. Truly, the terrorists have disrupted our way of life.

Armies of law enforcement retards and media retards descended on what cable news portrayed as an unfolding conspiracy in Boston proper, with 4 . . . no 5 . . . no 6 mysterious objects. And it was just as the Defcom 3 squad was exploding these objects (just to be safe), that the news began reporting a ‘spongebob squarepants’ type image on the prospective dirty bombs. Spongebob and the Jihad. I know I’m not the only person that saw that coming.

It is comforting to know that in the 5+ years since the attacks of September 11th demonstrated our complete defenselessness, our front lines remain this startlingly out-of-touch. A Moononite doesn’t look anything like Spongebob. To paraphrase the man himself, we should be concerned that this kind of reactionary silliness will only embolden the terrorists. I can’t believe we can’t stem the tide of violence in Iraq. We’ve become so perceptive and insightful in our ongoing struggle against terrorism. We wouldn’t know real terrorism if it jumped up and flew a jumbo jet into our ass.

I don’t like to point fingers but mostly, yesterday was the media’s fault. This became a great moment for fear-mongering, with live coverage of the event superceding the flow of information. The blogosphere had officially pronounced this event a false alarm by 3:15 PM on Wednesday, identifying the bird-flipping Islamic revolutionary as the admittedly belligerent Ignignot of Aqua Teen Hunger Force semi-fame. However, the media continued to scratch its head over this until well into the evening, when the advertising campaign was pronounced a ‘hoax.’ Just in time for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie, which I intend to see, this ‘hoax’ makes Ignignot almost as famous as Cat Stevens and that Mullah from Afghanistan that looked like the Batman’s second string arch-nemesis, the Penguin. ( Movie premieres on 3/23/07)

Anyway, during a press conference this afternoon, the two terror suspects appeared before reporters following their arraignment, and clearly a wake-and-bake. Co-conspirators of an independent marketing campaign, they took a clue as to the declining seriousness of their situation when their bail dropped from $100K to $2500 apiece, likely upon the city’s recognition of its own douche-baggery. Before entering into a shared discussion on 1970’s hairstyles such as the afro and the Mohawk, much to the chagrin of inquisitive microphone-monkeys, one of the defendants told reporters “we value your thoughts and your opinions.”

I’m sure they’ll bring in a bunch of panel experts to speculate upon that one.

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Kids Suck Ass

2006-03-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

Children: tiny angels that teach us to live and love with a sincere naivity that we often neglect in our everyday, dog-eat-dog activities. Today's link features a gallery of children's drawings and critiques from a guy who, probably from the basement of his mom's house (where he has a futon, any number of Rush vinyls, and several Dr. Who DVD box sets), gives fairly evenhanded artistic assessments of various drawings done by children.

After insulting this guy, I must say, I totally dig his opinions and recommend that you check out this site for a good laugh.

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Matches, masturbation, and shaving cream

2006-02-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

Well...Now Who's the Dean has reached a low point because of me. Today's post forces the viewer to ask whether you feel worse for poor sap getting pranked or the losers that set up the pranks, videotaped it, then went out of their way to publish on ebaumsworld. Now, I'm not saying that I am not a loser; in fact, I am far from (I own at least one Sci-fi show on DVD and spend more time on AIM than I should). That being said, I look like Robert Goulet compared to these morons. Please let me know what you think, is this video funny............or sad?

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Stoners Buck Stereotype, Remember Some Stuff

2006-02-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

According to a 2004 Annenberg Survey, viewers of Jon Stewart's The Daily Show beat the snot out of all other television watchers in a quiz on political awareness. Anchorperson and animal-beater Bill O'Reilly once referred to the show's audience as a bunch of 'stoned slackers.' This may be true, but said slackers far outpaced slack-jawed yokels, soccer moms, yuppies and religious deviants in a questionnaire regarding electoral and presidential politics.

Though two years old now, this survey continues to earn serious consideration as 'legit' network news sources take on a continually more infomercial oriented approach to reporting current events. How seriously should we consider such forums as the Daily Show as a source for news and information?

This linked article does not hit all the marks, failing to acknowledge that Daily Show viewers know more because marijuana is groovy and makes you smarter. Still, it engages a warranted discussion of the increasing legitimacy stock for comedy as a source of news and info. Of course, anybody with a fucking sense of humor already knew that.

“The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are not afraid to question traditional news practices, the president's agenda or the multitude of ridiculous occurrences in everyday politics. Viewers appreciate this candid approach, and this might be why these shows are so successful.” (Long)

To read the rest of the article, click here or click the title link above:

http://www.indianastatesman.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/01/20/43d05caf3e65f

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Sitcom Star Says Jesus is Super

2006-02-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

According to Michael Gagliardo, president of the Student Government Association of the Valley Forge Christian College, former Full House sitcom star Candace Cameron is becoming increasingly popular as a speaker on the Christian College circuit. She joins her brother, former Growing Pains heart-throb Kirk Cameron and popular Catholic television personality Monsignor Giggles in leading a university-wide awakening. The most recent destination on Candace's one-city tour was the Valley Forge Christian College, where her arrival was breathlessly anticipated by hordes of virgins.

The following is an actual quote spoken by a real human being at VFCC:

'There was a rumor of someone famous coming here but no one was sure of who it would be,' said Gagliardo. 'When we put her picture up on the screen at chapel, and she began speaking over the phone, everyone went nuts.' (Wright)

The rest of this article, which I don't recommend that you read, because it's not intensely interesting, can be found at or can be reached by clicking on the title above:

http://www.phoenixvillenews.com/site/news.cfm?
newsid=16042270&BRD=1673&amp;amp;amp;PAG=461&dept_id=17915&rfi =

Candace Cameron, pictured above, says that even though she is married to NHL great Pavel Bure and she is a wholesome Christian girl, she still likes it in the mouth.

Picture provided by http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/4907/cchome.htm

For more Religious News, visit http://laughinggod.blogspot.com/

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I Hate British People

2006-02-01T15:05:00.000-05:00

If you read this blog entry, PLEASE, click on the link to the article as everything in it is brilliantly hysterical. First of all, these Cambridge undergrads thought it would be a funny prank to put a live hamster in an envelope and send it to someone. To pardon the grade school use of the word "gay", BUT THIS IS THE GAYEST PRANK EVER. As far as I am concerned, these kids should be put to death, not for animal cruelity, but for bad, bad taste. Really though, what can we honestly expect for a country where the "Benny Hill Show" is the best thing going for it. First it was the Revolutionary War, then the War of 1812, and now this. When will the British learn that they can't do anything right and that their best and brightest, students from Cambridge, are the largest failures of all?

Oh right, the hampster lived or something.

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Hot Chick of the Day

2006-01-31T15:28:00.000-05:00

Rosanna:

Stats: 6’4

354 lbs.

34D

9 in. penis

Occupation: Part-time Cave Spelunker

Hobbies: Volunteer Dartboard

Interests: Rosanna, when not polishing his knob, enjoys standing in seductive poses and challenging people’s sexuality with his deceptively female appearance. An avid reader of Guns and Good Housekeeping, Rosanna enjoys taking in some of the finer things in life such as drinking beer from used ashtrays. While he enjoys his career, Rosanna’s, always wanting more, tells us that his true passion is seducing little boys, fathering their children, and then seducing THEM. You, like the lucky lad above, could be his next conquest.

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It's Peanut Butter Meme Time!

2006-01-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

If you were wondering what the hell this was about, other than being f'in haliarious, than you are either not a geek or have been blissfully out of pop cultures reach

Here is a little background: Peanut Butter Jelly Time
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

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Advice Column: DEAR RUFUS

2006-01-27T17:55:00.001-05:00

DADDY DEAREST IN DOVER

Dear Rufus,

My son, after going to college, has come back a different kid. Johnny, a boy who used to hunt every Saturday, go to church every Sunday, and give himself vinegar enemas on intermittent Thursdays has lost his will to succeed. After being at college for only two days, it seems that young Johnny stopped hunting, has ceased going to church, and, in lieu of these wholesome activities, sits in his room all day doing bong hits from his used enema bag. While I agree that an enema bag makes a killer bong if you don't mind the whole "shitty water" thing, I am afraid that Johnny's grades will slip and that his engagement in un-American activities may increase. Johnny has begun saying horrible things concerning staples of our great shared American heritage. He has begun to refer to arabs as "people" and just last night, during family TV time, said that he wanted to "bend Paula Abdul over Simon Cowell's corpse and fill her ass with talent". Please Rufus, help me rebreak my dear boy into a state of quite submission.

Sincerely,

Daddy Dearest in Dover

Daddy in Dover,

This is a very common problem. Indeed, the social atmosphere at many of America’s universities is not well-suited to your average clean-living Christian. A College Education tends to promote adultery, sodomy, leprosy, sloth and a general disregard for the Bible’s staunch ‘no fat chicks’ policy. During the drunken stupor that was my sophomore year, I transgressed this last commandment so frequently that I developed a stigmata that spread to my balls. My priest diagnosed that it wasn’t divinely transmitted, but he said he didn’t mind conducting the examination for my anyway.

In digression, I would suggest that you really have nothing to worry about other than diphtheria. An enema bag may seem like a good idea for a bong but feces can be extremely hazardous when smoked rather than simply eaten. I would recommend that your son try puffing through the aluminum packaging of a discarded SPAM can or a science lab beaker. He can always cram one of these up his ass when he’s done smoking, if he should feel the need.

Overall, your best bet is not to smother the boy. Children tend to react negatively to parental smothering, first by twitching and discoloring, and eventually, by suffocating to death. Instead, give the boy his space and let him make his own discoveries while he’s away at college. When he’s at home, leave guns and rosaries lying around to remind him of his roots.

I suspect that he will eventually come around. And if not, he will burn in hell for all eternity. Hope this helps.

Very Truly Yours,

Rufus.

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'I Teabagged My RA After Smoking Hash'

2006-01-25T12:45:00.000-05:00

USA TODAY printed an article today discussing 'tough love' policies that major universities have undertaken in an effort to curb drinking, drug use, and violence in incoming freshman classes. Some of the more unique techniques used include, during a freshman orientation, bringing in students and faculty clothed in black and wearing signs that highlight some of the darker sides of college life. In a display that would make me roll over on the floor laughing, students and faculty of Pomona College in Claremont, Calif. entered the hall wearing signs such as:

•“I broke a window in Smiley Hall because I was angry and drunk after a campus party.”

•“As a housekeeper, I cleaned up vomit from a shower stall in Lyon Hall on Monday morning.”

The tough-love efforts are typical of the programs U.S. colleges have adopted as educators struggle to combat violence, problem drinking and other dangers, especially among freshmen.

This "in your face" approach, while entertaining for pot enthusiasts, has had limited success.

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Nostalgic and Disturbing

2006-01-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

Who here loved GI Joe? Who here remembers that 30 second part at the end of the episode (you know the one I'm talking about, the "learning is half the battle" thing?) Well, here they are, everything you remember JUST AS IT IS...yep.....NOoooooooooooooooooooooooo different. These announcements have really shaped who I have become today. Please, enjoy.

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Little Jimmy and the Filthy Commie

2006-01-23T15:45:00.000-05:00

In theory, a child being maimed is not funny.

In actuality, however, it is hilarious.

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Two Students Binge Drink All the Way to the Bank

2006-01-16T17:45:00.000-05:00

Beer Pong has gone national. Could the Superbowl of Flip-Cup be next?

“Jason Coben and Nick Velissaris won the first World Series of Beer Pong earlier this month near Las Vegas.

They split the $10,000 grand prize.” (AP)

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Barbell curling kid cries for mommy

2006-01-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

Watch a real quick vid (17 sec) of this doofus trying to tape himself pumping iron and ending up having to call his Momma!

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Advice Column: DEAR RUFUS

2006-01-14T19:56:00.000-05:00

NEW HEELS IN NEBRASKA

Dear Rufus:

I am an 18 year old male freshman at a prominent midwestern university and have recently run into a problem concerning my roommate. My roommate "Bob" over the past semester has become a good friend of mine; he is a considerate and clean roommate who also happens to be quite personable. In this respect I consider myself lucky.

However, "Bob" talks in his sleep. While a relatively normal activity, it is the content of what "Bob" says in his sleep rather than the actual act which worries me. Since break has ended, "Bob" has been, in his sleep, confessing to any number of mortal sins that he has committed during his time in college. Among confessions of making animal snuff films, trying to milk his 87 year old grandmother in her sleep, and purchasing a baker's dozen of Russian mail order brides which he then tortured, murdered, and ate; none of these is as troubling as what he's recently confessed to doing to me (while I was sleeping).

Two nights ago, "Bob", in his sleep, confessed to giving me a "night on the town fit for a queen". Over his two hour sleep talk, "Bob" detailed how he sedated me, after I fell asleep, took me to any number of underground S&M/D&D bars (i didn't know they existed either), dolled me up like his pretty man wife, and loved me in every possible way.

Rufus, my question is, how do I approach "Bob" about what he has done to me? Rather, how do I approach "Bob" about what he has done FOR me? Sadly, that night, at least from what I heard, is the best date I've been on in years. He bought me drinks (though I was too drugged to enjoy them), introduced me to all his friends, bought me a pretty new skirt and matching heels, and, on top of everything, I GOT LAID, DUDE!

Please Rufus, help me turn this one night stand into something meaningful.

Sincerely,
New Heels in Nebraska

Dear New Heels,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your recent discovery. Keep reaching for that rainbow. Likewise, kudos on the ass-play. Everybody needs a pipe-cleaning now and then.

Beyond that, my friend, I must object to your ambitions. Bob may be your friend but Bob is bad news. Guys like Bob are bad news. I hate to bombard you with clichéd psycho-babble, but clinical experts from most cultures will tend to agree that a man who milks his grandmother could potentially be a poor choice for a relational partner. Likewise, as a roommate, you share dairy-cooler space with him at your own peril. If your morning coffee is ever mealy from the cream, you’ll know why.

That being said, it’s jot your fault. It’s natural to fall for the bad boy. A leather-pasted pain-freak like your Bob is a classic American heart-throb archetype, like James Dean, Clark Kent or Geraldo Rivera. But ultimately, this is the type of dude that leaves you high and dry with a $3700 tab for the “Undercarriage Jiffy Lube topped by a Hot Lunch Especial” at a place called the Salami Butcher. And let me tell you something, when you don’t pay a bill at Salami’s, they give you the Especial a second time and if feels . . . . less good.

Believe you me, this is not a path you want to start down. Save yourself the hurt feelings and colon pumpings. Find yourself a decent gentleman who holds the door open the, buys you flowers and asks before dosing you with date-rape drugs.

As for your roommate, he sounds like a nice person with a lot of demons. Help him exercise these demons by inviting him to engage in wholesome on-campus activities. Accompany Bob to movie nights, ice-cream socials, square dances and pumpkin-picking hayrides. Most importantly, try to keep your pants on. It will make living with him a lot easier.

And if he starts talking in his sleep again, muzzle him by sticking something blunt and hard in his mouth.

Best of luck with your new identity.

Sincerely Yours,
Rufus.

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Zipcar provides alternative to getting parking tickets

2006-01-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

Sure, you're never going to actually pay those tickets, but they will eventually tow your car. This car-sharing program may be a good thing to try starting on your campus. It’s cheaper than renting a car and you don’t have to pretend to be 25 years old.

“Zipcar members can reserve a car in advance over the phone or online, then pick up the car at a ramp with a self-service card.

The service costs $8 per hour, and cars can also be checked out for $60 per day. Gas and insurance are included in the cost. Perks include special Zipcar parking availability, satellite radio and access to cars in other Zipcar programs across the country, including New York and San Francisco.” (WCCO)

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Advice Column: DEAR RUFUS

2006-01-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

GARGLING IN TULSA

Dear Rufus:

Oh my god. I need your help. I’ve only been in college for three days, and already my lockjaw is coming back. Who knew the football team’s offensive line would be so well-hung? It’s not true what they say about fat white guys. It was like trying to eat a buttery corn-on-the-cob the long way. And for Oklahoma Sooners, they sure took their sweet-ass time getting done. I’m just a freshman living in a dormitory and this is the longest I’ve ever been away from home. A lot has happened since a left the farm

Anyway, I need your advice. I have developed a tickle in the back of my throat and I wanted to know if you thought it would be best to use Robitussin or if I should go to the doctor for a prescription.

Sincerely Yours,

Gargling in Tulsa.

Dear Gargling,

Skip the doctor. You should go to a priest. That tickle in the back of your throat is Satan.

Nah. I’m just kidding! That tickle is a normal part of sucking off five guys during your first week of school. It’s not unusual for young women, when first away from home, to begin to experiment with newfound freedoms such as sex with multiple partners and maybe even the introduction of mechanical apparatuses.

The University can be a good place to find yourself sexually because most campuses have free health clinics. When you get out of school, you’ll have to pay for the ointments and such.

Either way, always use protection and chew gum to strengthen those jowls.

Your Friend,

Rufus.

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How 'bout Them Bananas

2006-01-11T15:51:00.000-05:00

Reader Joy writes:

"This is eye-opening. It should be a larger concern to our nation that we know *to* use a condom, but not *how* to use one properly."

Well, Joy, if you think that's bad...consider it just the tip of the iceberg. The following is an excerpt from today's post which actually goes into detail about the many day to day "challenges" that the future decision makers of America face while untangling the complexities of condom use. Tia Webster's overview of a study conducted by Emory University found that:

Some of the other basic problems highlighted by the study included not checking the condom for visible damage (74 percent), not checking the expiration date (61 percent) and not discussing condom use with their partner before sex (60 percent). In addition, various technical errors were found, including putting on the condom after starting sex (43 percent), taking off the condom before sex was over (15 percent), not leaving a space at the tip of the condom (40 percent), and placing the condom upside down on the penis and then having to flip it over (30 percent).

In addition, 29 percent of study participants reported condom breakage, and 13 percent reported that the condom slipped off during sex. Crosby stressed that this is not surprising since those who reported slippage or breakage also had significantly higher error scores.
“These problems are likely the result of condom use errors rather than defects in the condom itself, which, again, highlights the need for better condom education and instruction,” Crosby added.

How 'bout them bananas.

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Put on Your Coats Because It's Raining Men

2006-01-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

All I can say about this is; be happy that I'm posting this article rather than the one I found concerning the incidences on STD's on college campuses. The good news is that, as the article cites that:

The [sic]Majority of men (87 percent) know how to use a condom correctly and 70 percent believe men should carry a condom at all times "just in case."
Only 60 percent of women know how to use a condom correctly and most say (60 percent) they would still have sex even if their partner refused to wear a condom. What's more, in separate research, Planned Parenthood reports that of 100 women whose partners use condoms, about 14 will become pregnant during the first year of typical use.
Three out of four women (73 percent) report that they do not use a condom as a back-up method when they have missed a birth control pill - the form of birth control used by most women surveyed.

What I have taken away from this section is that MEN, IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX, MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT THE CONDOM ON BECAUSE THERE IS A 40% CHANCE THAT SHE IS GOING TO FAKE HER WAY THROUGH KNOWING HOW TO DO IT.
*Disclaimer: Tying a condom in a knot around testicles, while an
effective method of birth control, significantly increases
the likelihood for penile explosion. Consult a licensed
physician or anyone without blood stained scrubs if you
have any questions.

In all seriousness, this is a pretty cool article and is very telling about our perspectives.

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Smartass College Students Making the Government Look Stupid

2006-01-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

With America’s oil addiction grinding consumers and small businesses into the ground, it’s nice to see that our college campuses are making a push toward something more practical and less likely to cause international carnage. If universities continue to incubate progressive ideas about energy efficiency and environmental sustainability, America’s literate young leaders may supplant its decrepit and illiterate government.

“At its simplest, sustainability means taking as little as possible from resources that cannot be renewed. A movement without real leaders, it seems to have the greatest resonance on college campuses, always a home for new thinking. Student groups and sessions dedicated to sustainability are flourishing. While some produce little but conversational - and political - gas, others are preaching practical solutions.”

”From Berea College in Kentucky, where students designed a house that produces its own electricity, to Middlebury in Vermont, where local forests supply wood for construction, the greening of higher education is everywhere, showing signs of outlasting earlier, faddish fits and starts. Nationwide, more than 110 colleges have built or are building structures certified by the U.S. Green Building Council, a nonprofit group that promotes construction and designs that meet high standards of energy efficiency.” (AZCentral)

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